It's May. Almost the end of spring semester. I've moved out of my old
apartment, beginning the process of striking out on my own, starting with a job
hunt. It's daunting, the wave of single-minded responsibility I have now.
Before, I'd been leeching off the decisions of people around me and because of
this, decision-making is a craft completely foreign to me. Now, I have to learn
quick and smart or else I've failed as an individual. Essentially, if I don't
make an effort, I'll become something akin to a tool.
I feel like I've been avoiding myself to become a better person for other
people. My real self is so far buried it's going to take ages to dig her out (I
see a hand, clawing at the edge but sinking back into mirth). I'm not too young
(not old, either) but I can't use that as an excuse for not having a better
grounding. By age 22, I should have some idea of what I'm passionate about and
what is important to me, a sense of who I am. Instead, I've been so deadset on
being neutral about everything and anything that I don't have an opinion to
share. Alas, the shame doesn't end there.
No, the shame continues as I struggle with day to day interactions. I'm vacant.
Most of the time, I feel like it's a quality I can use to learn (or learn to
use). Having an empty head leads to curiosity. I love talking about things and
I love asking questions. It's going to happen, most of our conversations will
be me asking questions to learn more about what you like to talk about so I
have something interesting to mention in the future. But I can see where this
is going to frustrate and annoy. It becomes (I'm taking this from a past
conversation, which wasn't a conversation, it was...) a lecture.
I'm slightly embarrassed to admit I'm not up to date on world/regional/social/entertainment/science/fuckwit
news. Example of why this is an important point:
"Let's talk!"
"Ok! What's up, anything interesting you want to discuss?"
...silence...murmur...
"What? I didn't hear you."
"...oh, nevermind, it's not that interesting anyway. What's new with
you?"
Talk talk talk.
...silence...(extreme focus to come up with something fun and/or
intelligent)...
...
...
...
...
...
Radio.
My inability to communicate is a result of living in a bubble of self-imposed
indifference. If that's made me a flawed human being in today's world, I'm
working on it. Needless to say, becoming a more engaging person, both to myself
and others, is a work in progress. But honestly, I'm beginning to miss me. So
this journey isn't so much for others as it is for me personally. Others will
come and go. I'm with me forever. I'd at least like to know what I want for
fucking dinner.
In my opinion, it takes versatility to alter discomforts to fit anywhere. I'd
rather be an island but since it's not working out to my advantage and better
interests, something's got to change. Not necessarily change, but improve.
Right now, I'm a lump that doesn't have definition yet. I'm not going to become
in tune with myself instantly and have a definite shape. Nothing's infinite,
I'm going to change constantly as I approach new things. But it's better to
have a shape of my own than something people have been molding out for me.
That's the tragedy I'm prepared to remedy.
Reflection about the reflection:
Thinking back, I'm frustrated that it's taken so long to realize this and even
then, it's taken a sit-down to see the communication malfunction. I'm eager to
reverse my personal neglect but the main difficulty is having no idea how/where
to start. Work in progress!
I think I was being grossly considerate by remaining neutral and leaving the
decisions to others. It's changing.
