I feel like I've been avoiding myself to become a better person for other people. My real self is so far buried it's going to take ages to dig her out (I see a hand, clawing at the edge but sinking back into mirth). I'm not too young (not old, either) but I can't use that as an excuse for not having a better grounding. By age 22, I should have some idea of what I'm passionate about and what is important to me, a sense of who I am. Instead, I've been so deadset on being neutral about everything and anything that I don't have an opinion to share. Alas, the shame doesn't end there.
No, the shame continues as I struggle with day to day interactions. I'm vacant. Most of the time, I feel like it's a quality I can use to learn (or learn to use). Having an empty head leads to curiosity. I love talking about things and I love asking questions. It's going to happen, most of our conversations will be me asking questions to learn more about what you like to talk about so I have something interesting to mention in the future. But I can see where this is going to frustrate and annoy. It becomes (I'm taking this from a past conversation, which wasn't a conversation, it was...) a lecture.
I'm slightly embarrassed to admit I'm not up to date on world/regional/social/entertainment/science/fuckwit news. Example of why this is an important point:
"Let's talk!"
"Ok! What's up, anything interesting you want to discuss?"
...silence...murmur...
"What? I didn't hear you."
"...oh, nevermind, it's not that interesting anyway. What's new with you?"
Talk talk talk.
...silence...(extreme focus to come up with something fun and/or intelligent)...
...
...
...
...
...
Radio.
My inability to communicate is a result of living in a bubble of self-imposed indifference. If that's made me a flawed human being in today's world, I'm working on it. Needless to say, becoming a more engaging person, both to myself and others, is a work in progress. But honestly, I'm beginning to miss me. So this journey isn't so much for others as it is for me personally. Others will come and go. I'm with me forever. I'd at least like to know what I want for fucking dinner.
In my opinion, it takes versatility to alter discomforts to fit anywhere. I'd rather be an island but since it's not working out to my advantage and better interests, something's got to change. Not necessarily change, but improve.
Right now, I'm a lump that doesn't have definition yet. I'm not going to become in tune with myself instantly and have a definite shape. Nothing's infinite, I'm going to change constantly as I approach new things. But it's better to have a shape of my own than something people have been molding out for me. That's the tragedy I'm prepared to remedy.
Reflection about the reflection:
Thinking back, I'm frustrated that it's taken so long to realize this and even then, it's taken a sit-down to see the communication malfunction. I'm eager to reverse my personal neglect but the main difficulty is having no idea how/where to start. Work in progress!
I think I was being grossly considerate by remaining neutral and leaving the decisions to others. It's changing.
